Sunday morning at church our pastor talked about the chapter in Luke when the Transfiguration happens.
Jesus takes Peter, John and James up onto a mountain to pray
and while they are there Moses and Elijah appear in glorious splendor,
talking with Jesus.
It’s in that moment that Peter catches a glimpse of what Heaven would be like
and he tells Jesus, let’s put up tents and stay here,
where it is good.
Our pastor went on to say that often times we want to stay where its happy,
where there is no pain and no sorrow.
And while Jesus doesn’t want us to feel pain and sorrow,
He knows that in those moments we look to Him to find strength.
We look to Him to become stronger.
And then our pastor said something that struck home with, “Sometimes we need to embrace the suffering and sadness in this life.”
Not just push it down or push it away and pretend it’s not there,
but embrace it and allow God to be our strength.
When I met Jacqui about three years ago at Disneyland,
we were just two women, trying to navigate motherhood.
We may have met through blogging, but we bonded over our love for our children,
and our families.
While Jacqui’s love for baking and my love for eating all things sugar
might’ve been what brought us together,
it’s something much deeper that has cemented our friendship.
Do you have those people in your life that even when you don’t see them every day,
you know they are with you?
You can feel it.
And then when you’re together it’s as though time hasn’t passed,
and you waste no time on the weather, but go straight to the heart
of how you’re doing?
That’s how our friendship is.
| Jacqui and I at her wedding last August |
Finding out that Ryan had been killed rocked my soul in a way that I had never experienced.
It changed the way I viewed the whole world.
It even made me question a God I love so much.
I couldn’t see His plan, I couldn’t see His glory.
What good could come from this incredible family loosing their only son?
Seeing Jacqui and Dan after it happened made the dream even more real.
As we hugged and cried, Jacqui just kept repeating, “please don’t forget my son.”
She needed reassurance of who she was as a Mom.
She needed her friends and family to come around them and be their strength.
As we sat together on the couch, talking through tears,
she asked me if I would write something in honor of her son.
If I would share in remembrance of him.
I wrote the post about Ryan out of love
Love for my best friend,
for her family
and for her lost son.
When I hit publish, I prayed as a fell asleep that God would use this to glorify Him
That he would manifest it in a way that would help the family to heal
That people would remember Ryan and share that remembrance online.
And I honestly only created the hashtag so that if any of the small community that knows them,
that reads my blog, shared their story,
that they would have a small place online to see it and that it would create hope and healing
and they would feel the arms of the community wrap around them.
I’ve been blogging for years
and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve hit publish and thought,
I know this is going to touch lives and people will share.
But then the next day….crickets….
Yet as I sat in front of my computer after I wrote Ryan’s post,
I just hoped that someone would see it.
That someone, just one person, would be touched by their story.
I had no idea that it would become what it did, what it has.
It was not created to do what it did,
but sometimes things happen beyond our control
and beyond our expectations and those things can be
so wonderful!
The beautiful hearts of the community, opening up their arms to wrap them close
giving them a reason to keep moving forward.
It gave them a reason to get up,
to eat, to breathe, to keep loving.
It told them that our community loves them and are thinking about them.
It validated them as forever parents
and spoke loudly in remembrance of Ryan.
No one was forced to share,
they did it because they were touched by the story.
Some piece of their heart made them yearn to live life,
to live in the moment and to remember all who have lost.
That’s what Jacqui and Dan wanted and still want.
When something like this happens so unexpectedly,
it’s scary
your world begins to spin around you and no matter how much you try to make it stop
it doesn’t
I had no idea what to do, how to act, the right words to say.
In the midst of it all, I was grieving my friends loss in such
a signifiant and unexplainable way.
My husband was also half way around the world.
I’ve always known that social media had the power to do good,
but I’ve never experienced it’s small tendency to create pain,
even for those who have the best of intentions.
And I’ve wanted to fight back, but I won’t
Say what you want because at the end of the day,
I know my heart, I know my intentions were good
and most importantly I know that Jacqui and Dan and their family know that too.
I choose to look at the beauty that has unfolded from this tragedy.
This community came together in such a powerful way,
with fundraisers, auctions and ways to support the family
both monetarily and through letters, emails and cards.
It truly has been the most incredible outpouring of good I’ve ever seen.
And while I was aware of many of these fundraisers happening,
they weren’t started by me or by my suggestion.
These are real people, with real hearts who were touched by the story
and wanted to serve the family in a real and tangible way.
My prayer is that they are blessed for it in big ways.
Money that has been raised has been donated to the family,
and I’m sure when they are ready and have moved through
this raw season of grieving they will address that more.
But to be honest, I don’t think that the family owes us any explanation.
People gave because something deep within them wanted to help.
There were no stings attached.
I know many of you have reached out about ways to continue to help.
Pray! Send emails! Comment on her blog posts and Instagram pictures!
Do the little things in the days, months and years to come that will remind them
that we are all here for them.
That we love them
And that, most importantly, we won’t forget Ryan.
Dan and Jacqui held a memorial for their son Friday, May 16.
Red balloons lined the center aisle and pictures of Ryan adorned the alter.
The church was filled with people who love their family.
Who stood with Dan and Jacqui as they talked about their son.
His zeal for life and his desire for everyone to always be happy.
It was heartfelt, honest and there wasn’t a dry eye in the room.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we don’t all grieve the same.
For everyone it looks different,
but that doesn’t mean that some grieve more than others
or better than others.
If there’s anything I’ve learned through this tragedy is that
people want to be remembered
They want to know they have some significance
And for this beautiful family,
they needed to know that God was remembering them in the midst of this.
they needed to see others remember their son.
To remember all those who have lost,
to understand that life is precious and can change in a moment.
While you may not understand,
or what they need may not be what you would need
that doesn’t make their need… wrong.
I hope that we can all be reminded through all of this,
to remember others who have lost.
Let your remembrance of Ryan also signify a remembrance of all those in your life
who have lost.
Let it be a reminder of the needs of others.
Maybe through all of this God is trying to teach us all
to focus just a little less on ourselves and our needs,
and turn our eyes to helping others.
I ask that you all continue to love on this family.
Be there for them.
Love them through this.
And please, please,
give them the grace they need to grieve the loss of their child,
they way that they need to.
And it won’t always look the same so we need to be ready,
ready to be there for them in the capacity they need.
but more than anything
Remember
xo, Alissa
Alissa says
Beautifully written my love <3 You're one of the truest hearts I know <3
Alissa Circle says
love you friend! thank you!! xo
Lisa Huff Kroll says
Alyssa, hi how are you? this was so beautifully written and I love what you wrote and agree with you. I’m a mom and blogger too in Monrovia and was so blown away by what happened when I read your first blog post way back and saw all the pics on Instagram and have been following both of you ever since. I think what you did for your friend was amazing and I think it is even more amazing what the community of friends, families and bloggers did through Social Media to share Ryan’s pictures and support Jacqui & Dan. It has been mind blowing and now I think we all continue to watch for messages from you two as we are routing for them to be strong, get through this, although you never forget and you never stop loving them. When I think about how heart wrenching it must be to lose a child I just cannot imagine. Yet I was a young girl, age 10 that lost her mother so I know what loss feels like. It was devastating and my mom and dad were going through a divorce and so we all just moved one. We didn’t really talk about her and my dad made us each a photo album but there wasn’t one Picture in a frame or anything else to keep her memory alive. I think that made the grieving process even harder. I think when you don’t talk about the person, or look at photos or share feelings it makes it much harder and then comes up later in life and hits you like a truck. I don’t mean to share so much but what I’m really trying to say is I was very much touched by what you did, and the ripple or wave affect it created. thinking of you and Jacqui, Hugs Lisa
Gayle Caldwell says
love your blog and these recent posts about your sweet friends and their Ryan. the death of a child is devastating, heart wrenching and yes, we want our child to be remembered and never forgotten. My son, Jeremy died 3years ago, he was 37. I grieve with your friends, I cry for them, with them. it is hard, even 3 years out it is still hard. life goes on for everyone except for you. you yearn for people to mention your child’s name, you find conversations where you can say your child’s name. yes, remembering is what we want more than anything, so what you did was beautiful to help us all remember sweet Ryan and to keep his parents in our thoughts and prayers.
Janene@everydayeo says
Since the night you hit publish, I’ve been praying…because it’s all I can do continuously and it never feels like its enough.
Shannon says
Beautifully written Friend. xo
Debi says
Alissa, I am Jacqui’s uncle ex-wife. My children Erica, Natalie, Krystle, and Marco are her cousins. Not a day goes by that I don’t pray for Jacqui and Dan. I am not a blog reader but your title spoke to me. Your words are TRUTH and PURE. You are an amazing friend and exactly the kind of support Jacqui and Dan need and deserve. I must meet you someday. Debi
sarah says
Thanks for writing this…I have been sad with the disrespectful comments on her instagram. I am thankful she has a friend like you to stand up for her. Beautifully written, glad that Jesus was the focal point…because he too got attacked – bullied etc and our Lord Jesus is the only source of true healing and true peace.
Kathrin says
Great words, thank you. I kind of got catched with this whole story and can not get it out of my mind and I’m not always a fan of social media even though I use it, but I guess this time it helped to do something great. “People want to be remembered” is such a true word, and making Ryan somehow reminding us of this fact and therefore reminding us of the people we lost is a beautiful idea. I don’t think I will ever forget about the unfortunetly sad story of this little cute red haired boy. So I will never forget about him. He became kind of a symbol for that you can’t ever be sure of what happens next, of the fact that it all could be over tomorrow and of the precious value every single moment in our lives has and that we should seize it. In good and in bad times. And that makes him and his memory important. I hope that Ryans parents can live on in a positive way. Their kid might be not walking on this planet anymore, but he is still there, in their hearts, in their remembrance and -from time to time- in their dreams. He isn`t lost forever. Who knows, maybe someday we will meet them all again, all the people that passed away, to soon or after a fulfilled life, the people that had to leave us behind. I wish this for us, for Jacqui and Dan, for you, for me, for everyone. And in my world they`re all looking down on us smiling. And so is Ryan.
Please excuse if there are some mistakes in my english-writing, it`s not my first language. I am not a big blog-reader or something, but I guess I’m starting now, because I like yours and the way you write a lot. Same goes for “Babyboybakery”.
So, go on like this, I am an interested reader now;) have a nice day or evening whatever time it is where you live….
Love from Germany
Debbie Hogan says
Beautifully written and obviously heartfelt. Jacqui and Dan are very blessed to have you as a friend willing to walk through their pain and suffering with them. Sending blessings and love to them and to you!
Lindsay says
I think it is wonderful how people have rallied around Jacqui and Dan – whether it’s donating money, writing moving posts as you have, leaving supportive comments on Jacqui’s blog etc.
What disturbs me though is people making a financial gain off of the death of someone. Let’s take Lisa Leonard for example. She made a lovely necklace but unless ALL the profits go to Jacqui and Dan, she is profiting financially from Ryan’s death. I realise we are all different and hold ourselves to different moral standards.
Alissa Circle says
Hi Lindsay, thank you for your sweet words about Jacqui and Dan, I agree that it’s been so wonderful to see people rally around them. I know Lisa Leonard personally, as does Jacqui and we truly believe she has a huge heart and it was so wonderful for her to create a piece in Ryan’s honor to help the family. She does have hard costs and she has been very up front and honest about how she’s helping the family from the beginning. And knowing her personally, I know she was not out to make a profit from this. We love hear desire to serve and support this family, just as we are thankful to each and every person who were touched by the story and wanted to help the family as well.
Maria Micci says
Hi Alissa,
You are a true friend. Sometimes people can make comments and in the end no one can say ” what they would do or feel if t happened to them”‘until it happens to them. What happened to Ryan is tragic and so heart wrenching, it’s hooked me to the core. I wish for no one to ever have to experience that. I never met you or the Saldana family but reading your’s and jacqui’s blog and IG made feel like I know you all. I think of Ryan, Jacqui and Dan everyday. Wondering how there day is doing, waiting to see a IG post or blog entry. I look forward to see your posts and ones of your children. Being a mom of twin 2 year old girls I have found inspiration through your pictures and Jacqui’s to do more with my girls. Explore more and be creative. I think you are the true definition of a friend. I hope if I’m ever in LA I would have the oppurtunity to meet you. Best wishes. I will never forget RYAN!
Maria
Lindsay says
Hi Alissa,
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my comment. If Lisa Leonard is making zero profit (and profit means what is left over after costs and donations) then I have no qualm with that. Anything else means profiting from a death, no matter how one may like to cushion it. I, personally, find that disturbing. You may not which is also ok.
janie says
Hi Alissa,
I have been watching this unfold and though I feel terrible for Jaqui and Dan, who I can imagine are still crippled with grief, I agree with Lindsay about how profiting from the death of a child doesn’t sit too well. I hope that Lisa Leonard didn’t make a profit on this and I feel somewhat better knowing that she knew you and Jaqui personally and didn’t just come out of the blue with her necklace for Ryan.
That said, you have to also step back and step outside of yourself to recognize how it all looks at this point. I, for one, was happy to see Jaqui post about Ryan’s service. It was nice to read HER words and grieve with her through her own reflections. However, think of how it looks to us – on the outside mourning the loss of a child we don’t know – when the mother posts a picture shortly after and tags a fashion accessory? Everyone does grieve differently and is entitled to handle significant pain and loss on their own terms, but has our vast social media presence made us lose sight of basic tenets of good taste?
I know we can’t live for other people and we have to be true to ourselves, but are there no situations where we can step back and think, “perhaps this will not be perceived well, given the massive audience I now have?” Respect flows in both ways. I’m sure Jaqui is in shock, still. I’m glad she and Dan got a way and spent time together outside of the house. I also do appreciate what you did for them. I choose to believe that your intentions were good and your support is obviously unwavering. G-d bless you for that. I just wanted to chime in to show that those you perceive as disagreeing with you might have been with you in the beginning but are a bit put off by how it all unfolded. We are entitled to share our feelings, too, in this beautiful community you have brought together.
XOXO
Janie
Jessica says
Ok, this right here is what infuriates me. Please explain why Jacqui, in her EXTREME GRIEF, should be spending her time worried about what anyone thinks of her posts? Why can’t it occur to you that Jacqui is tagging these companies to THANK THEM? And Alissa as well? Alissa reached out in her time of grief to rally an entire community to support her best friend. Don’t you think that everyone would rather have Ryan back then have any of this?? I pray that you never have to experience what Jacqui and Dan are going through. But how dare you judge them. Until you have walked a day, no an HOUR in their shoes, you have no right to an opinion how they are grieving. No, I take that back. You will never have a right to an opinion on THEIR grieving process. If you can’t help raise them up in this horrible time, then keep it to yourself. If you don’t approve of how Jacqui is grieving, then leave her alone. Simple enough. I have SOOOO much more I want to say but out of respect for Alissa’s beautiful post, I will leave it at this.
Daniella says
Amen!!!!
Erica Klaus says
I was sitting at home waiting for my husband to finish showering when my father called me from Costa Rica. It was an hour after Ryan was killed and it had already made it’s way to Costa Rica and into my ear. I screamed and prayed that it wasn’t true but inevitably we found out what all of you have come to know, the my beautiful cousin’s 3 ½ year old was gone. As our family struggled to make sense of what happened, we all tried to be there for Jacqui. Some of us, like me, had not remained particularly close but we all knew that we had to just be there. So I went. I stood in the room where a broken mother and father sat in grief stricken shock at their new reality. A few days later, my mom forwarded me a link to this blog. She told me that one of Jacqui’s friends wrote something really beautiful and powerful and I should take a look. It was when I couldn’t access the website because it had crashed from too much traffic that I realized this was much bigger than any of us could have realized.
I watched the social media frenzy unfold and I was honestly touched by the level of support and encouragement, and frankly, selfless love, that poured out from friends and strangers. I told Jacqui that it felt “supernatural.” She answered simply, “It’s all Ryan.”
I have hesitated to speak out but after reading some of the nasty comments on Jacqui’s Instagram account and some of the comments on this beautifully written blog, I just can’t keep quiet anymore.
I too was astonished when I saw images of Jacqui and Dan in their new reality. Astonished because of their bravery and more so because they were conscious enough and kind enough to allow the masses a glimpse inside the difficult and complicated reality of continuing to live after such a tremendous loss. They were brave enough to decide to share Joy instead of pain, hope instead of despair, and more miraculously, they allowed all of us the honor to peak into what is usually an incredibly private process. That they show you their joyous moments does not mean they don’t feel despair, loss, and I’m sure moments so bleak it would bring most of us to our knees. What it means is that they have decided to keep the darkness to themselves and give the light to the world. That is one of the most beautiful choices I have ever seen and frankly, it is a testament to their character. That anyone sees anything ugly or negative in that is testament to the ugliness in their hearts.
Jacqui is so selfless and so strong that days after her only son was tragically and instantly taken from her, she commented that “babies are taken from their mothers every day. Tonight there are mothers holding their babies a little tighter. At least there is comfort in that.” Are you hearing me? In the midst of her grief she was STILL thinking of the thousands of mothers who lose their children and who do not have social media campaigns celebrating and remembering their lives. You know why she is tagging people who have given her things – because she is a nice person who wants to publicly acknowledging those friends who are trying to help her family. The idea that she or any of her friends are trying to “profit from the death of her child” is so ludicrous I actually want to scream.
My mother made the most beautiful observation. She said she felt like she was getting to know Ryan by getting to see how he is helping them to move on. I feel the same way. Ryan’s light was so bright, his energy and spirit so powerful that it is transcending death and making its way into Jacqui and Dan’s life and allowing them the strength to keep moving. Keep going. Keep living. No matter how badly they want to crawl into a dark hole and never see the light, Jacqui and Dan love their son so much that they refuse to dishonor his memory by allowing that to happen. That is nothing short of miraculous.
Jacqui didn’t ask for any of this. In spite of wanting to be alone in her grief she felt a responsibility to offer hope to people who were affected by Ryan’s passing. She is choosing life. She is choosing hope. She didn’t ask for this and I’m certain she, and all of her friends (who gave selflessly during this time,) would trade all of it, the attention, the “support,” and every cent of the money to have one more day with Ryan.
So forgive me for being blunt, but – No, you don’t get to have an opinion about it. You don’t get to raise your eyebrows and mumble to yourself about how differently they should be dealing with the DEATH of their child. You have no rights. You were invited to share in their journey and you can either help, encourage, and offer your own light. Or you can shut up. Respectfully.
Live Loud. Live Wild.
Birdie says
Truer words have never been written! I think about your family more than I care to admit and ADMIRE the unbelievable strength that is being shown. No one gets to have an opinion about how they are dealing with this unimaginable pain, no one. Sending every ounce of strength and love I have your way.
susan guerra says
Mrs. Klaus….u rock! ur the best prima everrrrrr! God bless…xo
Courtney Patterson says
Anyone who has the balls to comment:
“Everyone does grieve differently and is entitled to handle significant pain and loss on their own terms, but has our vast social media presence made us lose sight of basic tenets of good taste?”
Apparently has no good taste or decorum of their own. How dare anyone question this mother and the way she grieves. It certainly is easy to sit behind your little keyboard, Janie, and be so heartless and judgmental and to say that “Respect goes both ways” ???
How classless.
What is even more classless is that one would show support for a grieving mother to only turn around and question how she does it. Just because Jacqui isn’t grieving in the approved way you think she should doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Who do you think you are??
I have never met Jacqui. I have only known her through her blog, even before Ryan was killed but I do know this – I will back her and Dan 110% and stand up for them against people like you who are doing nothing but stirring a pot that need not be bothered. Shame on any of you, Janie, who dare question any of this. No one is forcing you to give money or buy items and if you decide to donate, do it from a place of simply wanting to give without expecting anything in return.
Who do you think you are???
Tishka says
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. I have cried many tears for your dear friend Jacqui and her loving family. I pray Jacqui and Dan find peace in all this and I send my love to them. And to you. You are the kind of friend every woman needs. Ryan will not be forgotten. God bless.
Megan Swanek says
I’m a school counselor and one of my interest areas is grief counseling. Elizabeth Kubler Ross unintentionally did a lot of harm when she labeled “stages” of grief and put a time frame on it. The purpose of working through stages and “getting over it” is wrong. OUR RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT END WHEN OUR LOVED ONE DIES. The idea that it does is very much from an individualistic viewpoint. Check out an article I coauthored here:http://eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ886148
Also…my mom is dying of cancer now…she actually has it in 5 areas including her brain and I’m blogging about that here: megandewitt.blogspot.com
Always remember that you can actively work to keep Ryan’s mamoey alive and him close to you…and the thousands of lives he touched. Grief does not end in 6 months to a year. It lasts forever, but we are the authors of the story and what shape it takes.
Jessica says
This is beautifully written. I feel so much sadness and frustration that you even have to write this to explain what common sense should tell us : that EVERYONE grieves differently. And having seen the comments on Instagram I understand why you did write this, and why Jacqui may have felt the need to write her blog the other day. Not a single day has gone by since this happened that I have not thought of this family. I look at Jacqui’s Instgram daily, usually more then once a day so I can check in and see how she is doing. Jacqui has opened up and shared with us all HER grieving process, which is something none of us strangers are entitled to see. This is her experience that none of us can dictate or tell her how to grieve through. If I’m being honest when I see the comments on IG that are negative it infuriates me. Although I have never met Jacqui, I am also a mom and I firmly believe that as moms we all have this sisterhood, this connection, that we all share and because of this I feel a sense of protectiveness towards her. And it breaks my heart that people dare tell her in her time of immense grief what she should be doing, or not doing. I pray that Jacqui ignore the comments which are clearly made by internet trolls with no other purpose then to upset her. I cannot begin to fathom their pain, but I think with friends like you and the strong family support she and Dan have they will never have to go through this alone. I’m so sorry for your loss and God bless you all.
JLynnS says
This is a loss no one should ever have to endure. And yet, many are forced into these tragedies without any explanation as to why. And it is simply heartbreaking. How dare ANYONE add even a morsel of negativity to something that is already so horrible it cannot even be comprehended. People like you, Janie, should be ashamed of yourselves. What is wrong with you? Are you such a jealous human being that you can’t stand to see this family or their friends get as much positive attention or support as they have? That everyone should just forget and not give where they can? Shame on you. It’s people like you that will drive more people to shine even brighter and give even more for this family. You will not win your negative, sour battle that wants to suck out the pure, good light and positivity. You will be outshined time and time again, I promise you that.
Prayers to you, Jacqui and Dan. And to your amazing friends and family and positive supporters. Ryan is your guardian angel who you know is working only for the good and who will continue to be your motivation in life. #redballoonsforryan
I do not know this family but have been moved by their story and their perseverance. Much love to them. I’ll never forget.
Melissa Torres says
Ryan has touched my soul! I miss him.. I’ve never met him but I miss him! I cry almost everyday wanting to somehow make it all better.
I know God had a plan… Jeremiah 29:11 tells me so…
I fervently believe in the Blessed Hope of our Lord Jesus Christ… So though it hurts I now one day I will get to meet Little Ryan…
Jacqui is in my constant prayers…Dan too…I pray that God will pour out His peace upon them… That they may feel His Presence and that they may be wrapped in joy and love!!
I will never forget Ryan… Never… He has touched my very soul…