Hi. I’m sorry it’s been so quiet around here this week.
In truth, I have no particular reason why,
other that I feel as though I have nothing to say.
Or maybe it’s that I have a lot of jumbled thoughts in my head,
but none that I seem to be able to form sentences out of.
I’m trying to enjoy summer with the kids,
or as much of summer as you can enjoy when you’ve lost
two weeks worth of swimming in the last month to a total of 7 stitches.
I think I may need to invest in a bubble for B to hang out in.
I used to be afraid of the quiet.
I used to fear that if I didn’t produce content then….
It’s funny how one single event can change your whole perspective.
I have days where I feel quiet because life is moving forward
and it makes me feel guilty.
I look at our beautiful, healthy children and I feel guilty
and sad
and overwhelmed
and relieved all at the same time.
Guilty that I still have them and can hold them close.
Sadness that people I love have lost a piece of their whole world.
A piece that they can’t get back.
Overwhelmed because I want to take it all away…
the hurt, the pain, the anger.
I still have moments where I yell at God because I
Just. don’t. Get. It.
And then I feel relieved that besides stitches, our children are here
Then the guilt returns.
It’s become like a vicious cycle and some weeks I’m able to power through
and others I can’t
Or I don’t want to
Maybe it’s a little bit of both.
And so I’m quiet
Because I don’t want to pretend like it’s all great.
I don’t want to pretend like the sadness or the surrealness of it all goes away.
In the midst of it all, I’m trying to remember that this is bigger than me
I often find myself trying to channel Jacqui during the day
so she knows I’m thinking about her
sending her love
praying for her
And then we text…daily
I’m sorry this post seems lost
I promise I’ll be back soon.
Till then, be blessed!
xo, Alissa
Debbie Hogan says
Grief is a messy process and it takes time, faith and good friends to help get you through it. Jacqui is lucky to have you walk through this difficult time with her.
Alissa Circle says
It is such a messy process and I can only imagine how much deeper the burden is for Jacqui and Ryan. My prayer is that we can all find ways to be there for them, even if it’s in small ways that they may know their not alone.
Allison says
I’m sorry you feel this way. Grief is a hard thing for anyone. I’ve been thinking about you all this week and I hope that you have been spending good quality time with you kids. I’m sure they love you spending so much time with them. Jacqui is so lucky to have a friend like you.
Blessings on you and your sweet family.
xoxo
Allison over at Allison’s Eye
Patti says
still praying for you and Jacqui and Dan. take your time. you’ll feel better when you feel better. hugs to you.
Tish says
I have no words. Just know my heart hurts for all of you. Love and hugs.
Susan says
I’m new to your blog…..but what a wonderful friend you are to Ryan’s family. I love what Debbie says above regarding grief.
Chris says
I’m sharing the grief with you this week and quite often. although i dont know them as well, it has made a huge impact on my life. we were just the neighbors walking down the sidewalk when it happened. then we started getting to know the family. 3 kids myself and we will never look at life quite the same. the only thing that can give us hope is when we come closer to God.
Alissa Circle says
I can only imagine what it must’ve been like for you to have been on the same street and seen it all happen first hand. My hope is the same thing, that we might all find hope in a God who is going to give us the wisdom and understand for why this happened.
Rachelle says
I read your post with a new perspective tonight because some dear friends lost their baby boy this past week.
It was completely different circumstances than your friend’s but no less painful.
The hope we have in God that we will see little Roscoe one day in Heaven is what keeps us going.
Prayers of strength and comfort to all.