On my Heart: The Life of the Wife

Hi all you beautiful Rags to Stitches readers, you! I am incredibly excited (and HONORED) to be here today! I love me some Alissa (who doesn’t?), and her and I have become fast friends. I can’t wait to officially “meet” her in April at SNAP! We are gonna hug it out and be banana-cakes together FOR SURE!

I suppose I should introduce myself a little bit. I’m Jenna, and I blog/ramble over at The Life of the Wife! I realized that I chat a LITTLE too much, so I figured, why not write some of it down (so I can remember how funny/witty I used to be). Ha! On my blog I write about pretty much a little of everything! My life, my baby boy, fashion & beauty, and a little DIY-ing!

Alissa asked me to write about something that has been on my heart. For some reason, this is the first thing that popped out of my head. I usually don’t get this serious on my blog, but from time to time, I feel like it’s necessary to get REAL up in herrrre! 🙂

M is for Miscarriage (yup, I’m just jumping with both feet in).
I want to share my story with you for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I have NEVER really talked about it to anyone but my family and close friends. I don’t think I ever really took the time to grieve, to say how I really FELT about the whole situation that happened to me.

I feel like people are afraid to be open about miscarriages, and not a lot of people talk about it…until it happens to you. Then suddenly, people come out of the woodwork with their stories! I have kept mine pretty close to my heart. To be honest, I was a little ashamed of it when it happened. I felt “broken”, less than perfect, and definitely shaken up. I hope that by telling you my story, I can move on from it, and let myself be ok with it.

So yikes..here we go!

My husband and I have been married for almost four years now (together for eight!). We decided to wait a couple of years before TRYING to have a baby. I say trying, because that’s how you make a baby, right? 🙂 We thought it would just HAPPEN. You do the “fun stuff,” and the next month, you pee on the stick, and WHAM–BABY TIME! Right?

Not so much. We tried and tried and tried for about 7 months, before ithappened.

I remember that day perfectly clear in my mind. Now, I am not one to keep perfect track of my cycle, I don’t write it down on my calendar like some of my friends. I just know AROUND the time when it’s supposed to happen. So when I was late, I didn’t even realize it. (you’d think I would have been pacing back and forth every month, because we had been trying to get pregnant for a while, but nope).

I was sitting in my bed, watching TV, and thought to myself:
‘Wow, I think my period was supposed to start already.’

So I got up, went to the bathroom, did my business on the stick, and waited. My hubby was at work, so I texted him to say I thought I might be a little late. He texted back something like, “Mmmm hmm, surrrrre.” We had thought this EVERY month since we had been trying. Did I smarten up and try to figure out the EXACT date my period should have started each month? No! I just wanted to let nature take its course. I was trying not to let myself get upset every month, when that blasted period came my way. But it gets to you.

Ok, back to me peeing on a stick.

I waited and I saw a PLUS sign. A PLUS SIGN? What the??! I thought, there’s NO WAY. I had been disappointed so many times before this, it had to be a mistake. I figured I had done it wrong, so I took another test. Another PLUS SIGN! I began to freak out (I may or may not have done a happy dance in my little bathroom). I texted my hubby the picture of the stick, and he called me the very next second. We were thrilled! Oh sweet joy, we were finally pregnant!!

We didn’t tell anyone that we knew, because it was too early. I figured I was about 8 weeks along with my wacky cycles. The next week, I hinted to my Mom & Sister that I thought I might be pregnant. My Mom was SO EXCITED for me (this being her first grandchild and all). I was holding back my excitement…because I was still in shock that it was real.

We made an appointment for the next week to get the real “Yup, you’re gonna have a baby, kids” speech from my doctor.

Two days before the appointment, I began having MAJOR MAJOR cramping. Having never been prego before, I wasn’t sure if it was normal or not. I called my sister, who is a NICU Nurse, and asked her if she thought it was normal. She said it was NOT normal (she doesn’t sugar-coat things) and told me to call my doctor. But me, being the highly-independent-not-wanting-to-be-one-of-those-crazy-newly-pregnant-moms decided NOT to call him.

I continued to have horrible cramps the rest of the day, but I just took some tylenol, some tums, and laid down for a nap. Two hours later, when my hubby got home from work, I said I was still feeling sick, and HE told me to call my doctor. I didn’t. I am an idiot sometimes, yes 🙂

We went to bed, and in the middle of the night, I woke up from more horrible pain. It felt like (to be graphic), like I was really constipated. I went to the bathroom, stayed in there for about 2 hours, and came out shaken, sweaty and in tears.

I had lost the baby.

The next day I called my doctor (finally). I went in for an appointment, explained what had happened. He said that indeed, I was pregnant, but that it “was no longer there.” The way he said it just HIT ME. A wave of emotion poured over me and I wasn’t quite sure how to react.

I felt like I had had every emotion I could possibly have in the last two weeks:

Happiness. Anxiety. Delight. Joy. Happiness again. Nervousness. Pain. Sorrow. Anger. Shock.

Then the numbness happened. I shut down. I completely and utterly shut down. I didn’t want to talk about it, I didn’t want to think about it, and I certainly didn’t want to TELL anyone about it. I felt horrible. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?

I never really TALKED it out…I just got over it. I try and see the good in most situations, but this one was not easy. I cried A LOT when I was alone, prayed A LOT, but I definitely lashed out at other people who tried to offer their sympathies (what did THEY know?).

As the weeks went on, I think that time healed me. My body was getting back to normal, and so was my belief in life. Once you go through something as traumatizing as losing a baby, your whole perspective on everything changes.

I CHOSE to stay positive and hope for the best.

Four months later, we got pregnant again! I was still VERRRRRY skeptical until I went to my 12-week appointment, and got to see that little SPOT on the screen. I cried and cried and cried with joy! 9 months later, we had our baby boy Davis!!!

He is an absolute blessing in our lives, and it has made me truly appreciate him even more after what I went through.

I hear lots of stories like mine all the time (some very close to me), and I feel like I am stronger because of what happened. Do I ever want to go through it again? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I know that there was a purpose for it, and so I’m ok with it.

Thank you for letting me POUR my story out to you! I hope you will stop over by my blog and say hi! I love when new peeps come by! 🙂

THANKS again Alissa! Mwwwwwah!!

Jenna, The Wife

ALISSA HERE:

I truly believe God calls us to share his story, the one he’s written for our lives, not just for our own healing but healing for others. Reading Jenna’s bravery has not only made the tears flow and my heart ache, but swirling around in that bed of emotions is also hope. Hope that God has done a work of healing in Jenna and in the hearts of many of you who also know exactly what she she’s gone through. I’m beyond blessed to call this amazing and beautiful woman of strength my friend. I hope you will go visit her blog and follow along her journey, and while you’re there don’t forget to leave her some encouraging words.

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Comments

Elisha(: says

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BEAUTIFUL..<3

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- christine sandmann says
  
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  Jenna I too have experienced the lose of a baby two times. I felt the same way you did when I lost my mine. the feelings you have after could not have explained any better then what you have done. My first miscarriage I was at about a couple weeks and the second I had made it to couple months. I was certainly devastated and cried even more and could not talk to people or even look or be around anyone who was pregnant. After the second miscarriage I told my doctor that I was not capable of going through another one and that I wanted to be tested for any problems that i have that would cause me to not be able to carry a fetus. So she did all the blood work and so forth and it came out to be that I had a blood conditon called antiphospholipid symdrome, hope spelled right. I was treatable in my case by one baby asprin a day up until a few days before giving birth. I have two awesome children now a girl 8 yrs and a boy who is 6 now. I will never forget the two that I have lost. I will definitely follow you.
  
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Alesha says

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Hi Alyssa,
I came over here to read Jenna’s post and will now be a new follower. =)

Jenna,
Thank you for sharing you’re heart with us on this. Wow. I can’t imagine what that woul be like, but praise God for the little blessing He gave you later! =)

Alesha <3

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nicole neesby says

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i love jenna. pure and simple. and l love her honesty here.

happy wednesday to you!
xo

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Alissa says

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Amazing story, Jenna. Thank you for being strong and sharing 🙂

Alissa – Nice name! I never meet anyone who spells it like us. I’d love to hear about your experience with the name. Sometimes, I just let people think my name is Melissa.

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erika says

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i love jenna.

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Lindsay @ Trial By Sapphire says

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I love, love, love Jenna, and this post was beautiful. This really does happen so often. One of my best friends has miscarried twice in the last 9 months or so. It’s heartbreaking! How brave for Jenna to share. Thank you for letting her use your blog as a forum.

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Britt @ The Magnolia Pair says

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Jenna,

I had no idea this had happened to you. I am so glad you shared your story. I’m so sorry to hear all of this. I am so happy you have Davis and that he brings you so much joy! You are so lucky to have such a happy little boy, he is precious!

You are a beautiful lady girl !

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Rachel says

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Jenna! I had no idea! You are amazing! Thanks for sharing. a.ma.zing!!! Love you lady and that sweet Davis too!

And Alissa, what wonderful, touching words you had to share too!

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Ashley says

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You’re exactly right! You don’t hear much about it until it actually happens to you. I had one before Charlie, and it was the most devastating thing I’ve been through. Thanks for sharing your story.

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Kassi @ Truly Lovely says

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Davis is adorable!!! I don’t have children yet, we haven’t even started trying. But it’s stories like yours that really help me to prepare myself for anything. So thanks for that.

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kristen duke photography says

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Thank you for sharing your story. A lot of women have experienced similar things, and I believe part of why we have experiences like this that are tough and painful and hard and sad is that so we can bless the lives of others through our empathy. The other part is to make us stronger and more grateful for what we have. I just discovered your two blogs today (from Poppy’s WIWW) and see you will be at SNAP–yay, me too! I am so excited to meet some new bloggy friends!

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Annelise @ Aunie Sauce says

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Jenna. I had no idea. Thank you so much for sharing this story. Not only does it help shine a light on those who may have had this happen before, but it is a reminder to us all to take care of ourselves and listen when our hubby’s and loved ones tell us to do something. You are so brave, so strong, and such an amazing woman. I will always look up to you!

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Megan Hall says

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Jenna….thank you for sharing. I can’t imagine how hard this must have been to write. I know that God can use any and every situation for His glory. I’m sure that by sharing you have helped someone else who has gone through this, is going through this, or will go through this.

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Andrea @ Kerubo Mama says

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Alissa, I came to your blog to read Jenna’s post, and am so glad I did. This is such a lovely, honest space, and I will definitely be a follower! I read through past posts and was completely encouraged today. Thank you!

Jenna, that was so wonderful and heartfelt. I can’t imagine how difficult going through a miscarriage is, and I really appreciated you being so honest and sharing with us. You’re amazing!

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Casie says

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Blessings to you for sharing your story. The same scenario happened to me before my first pregnancy. Almost as soon as I knew, it was gone. It was defeating then, but now I have two beautiful girls and I know that everything happens in the fullness of God’s time.

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Courtney B says

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Sweet, sweet Jenna! I am sooo sorry 🙁 But I appreciate you sharing your story! It is every woman’s fear to lose a baby! It is such a tragic thing to experience, but it is such a GREAT reminder that life does go on. We heal. And while we never forget that experience or the baby, we are able to move forward and be HAPPY again. Love you, Jenna!

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Julie Marie says

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so sad, and i have been there. twice. but its so good to know that God can bring healing and restoration to us. he is faithful no matter what. i dont understand these things.. but i know that i developed my faith in the midst of them.. i also lashed out at others trying to offer comfort with “their story:, not so much verbally, but in my head… i just felt like, well, THIS Is different. but then when i heard other people lashing out at girls verbally, i remember thinking “this isnt fair, they’re hurt and pain was just as real, they wanted to share and relate too..”
so thankful that part of my life is over and now all i heart is NOISE from the 3 kids I do have =) a constant reminder of God’s faithfulness to his promises…

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lisa says

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Hi,

Wow, this hit close to home. My ex-spouse of 6 years came out to me as transgender the day we came home from a vacation. I did my best to be supportive, but it wasn’t a life I wanted and I asked for a divorce. We’d already been on rocky terms and our marriage had deteriorated over the years. The whole thing threw me for a loop – it was hard to go through and come out of, but I did. My experience was similar to this author’s; looking back I noticed some signs, but I wasn’t aware of them until after the fact.love

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