I’m lying here in bed half awake, daydreaming almost.
For the fourth time this week I’ve woken up 5 minutes before my alarm clock.
I hate that so much.
I feel as though the universe has jipped me of what little sleep I normally get.
Exhaustion is my new best friend. I’m pretty sure the new school schedule of pick ups and drop offs, then adding in work, blog, family is going to take more time to become good at than I expected. I’m in a hotel in Utah for Sewing Summit and I’m alone in a hotel room. No distractions, yet I still can’t sleep.
I miss the warmth of my husband lying next to me already.
I miss the sound of my little ones voices as they look up at me from their beds.
My morning won’t start with, is it Thursday? Do I have school today?
So much has gone on this week that has has the potential to wear one to the core.
I’m traveling for five days.
Pollinate has been awesome crazy and while I’m kicking fear in the face there,
I feel as though I’m struggling to be more than average everywhere else.
I think sometimes it’s hard to put myself out there in this little space. Heaven forbid I should be perceived as anything less than Wonder Woman. Yet, this place also provides a therapeutic place for me to go and escape what’s going on around me. Not forget, no, I’m not trying to forget, in fact quite the opposite, I find myself writing to remember.
Many of you know that even though Katelyn is five, we fought internally about whether to place her in Kindergarten or what they call Transitional Kindergarten. The only difference is that you either do one year of Kinder or two. My struggle is with my inner demons of sometimes feeling like I’m not good enough that blocks me from sometimes seeing what my children need. I’m so concerned with how it will appear to others.
Was I too wrapped up in building Pollinate that I didn’t prepare her well enough?
Should I have worked with her more?
Will I always wonder if I could’ve done it differently?
The truth is that Katelyn, while 5, is so small and so big hearted, but at the same time, I’m not sure ready for some of the nastiness life can throw at you. Let’s face it girls can be bitches and I can either give her extra time to mature and develop a thicker skin or hope that she can face that roller coaster of emotions almost a year younger than everyone in her class.
At the end of the day, I hung up my Wonder Woman cape and caved.
While we began the year in Kinder, we will continue in TK to give her more time.
It’s been heart breaking.
But her teacher really feels that it will help her in the long run.
And being an educator, I get it.
There’s nothing worse than parents who are too selfish to look at their kids needs first.
It doesn’t matter what I see at home.
She’s going to spend the next plethora of years at school
And I have to trust their advice, even when it breaks my heart and hurts my pride.
I guess right now I’m humbly asking for prayer.
For Kyle and I and for our little girl as we work with her teacher to explain this transition.
That she won’t look at this move from K to TK as something she did wrong
That it won’t haunt her (yes, I had to throw some over drama in there somewhere right?)
And to everyone who popped by yesterday from Jon Acuff’s blog.
Welcome!
I hope you stay a while.
roni says
Alissa, don’t be so hard on yourself. I am new to your blog, but the fact that you’re worrying about this tells me that you are a great Mom. As your little girl grows, hopefully she’ll see that you are trying to make decisions based on what’s best for her in her own unique world and personality, and not trying to make her into what the “world” expects. If she grows into a woman who sees herself as worthy of the special consideration that is being given to her (by you, her dad and her teacher), I think that will bring a lot of value to her life.
Katie Shannon says
I had this battle with our twins. They have a summer birthday so they were going to be young kinders or older. We put them in, they weren’t ready. We kept them in till December. I was a mess, felt like it was all my fault because I didn’t properly prepare them, but last year woah! so much better for both of them. That extra year really does help.
Kate @ Happy Simple Mine says
Prayers to you! It’s a mother’s destiny to feel guilt – I think it goes hand-in-hand with wanting the very best for our children. As a follower of your blog, I can tell that you are a wonderful mom. Building Pollinate has not been for your benefit alone. You are an awesome example to her of how to fearlessly chase your dreams. Those lessons can’t be taught. They are learned by example. Deep breaths. No looking back – only forward. 🙂 Hugs!
karritait says
As parents, we have no manual. We just have to have faith in our decisions we make and not look back. Because what good do we do ourselves by second guessing?
As a side note, only because I have recently taken a good look at my own life balance, I am wondering if you’ve ever considered saying no? I get that Pollinate is your business and that it comes first, but what about saying no to speaking engagements like this? Sometimes, its best to evaluate what is most important to us. My husband is the best at what he does in his industry. And he is always asked to speak. But because he already travels and works a ton, he limits himself to 2 speaking engagements a year. Especially as our kids are getting older, its more important for him to be present for things that are important to them (track meets, gymnastics meets, baseball games, concerts, etc), making a difference in their lives, than to be gone. Don’t get me wrong -It was different when they were younger. I never saw him.
I just wanted to throw something out there to chew on. You can still be great at your career and balance your family. You don’t have to do it all.
Kate says
Alissa, I got a little misty reading this because what you are saying is that the core of every mother’s heart. We do everything to the best of our ability and then question if we shouldn’t have done more. You are a wonderful business woman and a wonderful mother and you are making the choices for you and your family that work at the time. That’s the best you can do. Don’t be hard on yourself and enjoy this time of missing them. It won’t be too long before you’re back (and if you’re anything like me – ripping out your hair).
Love you, girl. And saying prayers that this new transition goes smoothly for your family.
Amber says
I read your blog all the time but rarely comment. This really hit close to home. My girl just turned 5 in August and could have gone to Kindergarten but I felt she’s too young and the transition would’ve been difficult so I held her back. She’s still in pre-k which is half a day. She still takes a nap on most days too. I really had to fight the urge to keep up with the jones’ if you know what I mean? Most of her little friends went on to kinder and she moved up with them at church yet she will always be a grade behind. Which kind of made me feel behind. However, after talking to several friends who were early Ed teachers they encouraged me that I would never regret my decision and you shouldn’t either. Your girl will be the better for it too.