I had every intention of sitting down and writing an upbeat post for today. To share fun projects that I’ve been finding from the hours of time I’ve spent sucked into Pinterest. But to be honest I’m struggling to feel upbeat. In fact I’m feeling a little beaten down. It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything that left me feeling vulnerable and real, but I feel like I just need to write it out so I can go back and look at it later and see how God is moving in the midst of this. So I’m writing from my heart today. Most likely it won’t make sense, there’s no way to wrap it up in a bow, because I just don’t feel like I could even if I wanted too.
Some of you may remember that I shared about our struggle with Katelyn and where we’re going to send her to school. Back in October the preschool she’s at said she wasn’t ready for Kindergarten + to be honest I wasn’t sure if this was an issue with a lack of academics at the school or just that with a summer birthday Katelyn just wasn’t going to be academically + emotionally ready. When I look at her I see this strong, independent, smart, outgoing little girl and I couldn’t imagine how anyone would see anything different.
We began looking into other schools; even contemplated moving her mid year. The end decision was to keep her where she’s at and work with her at home. I just couldn’t bear to move her from her friends. Our bigger concern was that starting fresh with no friends could end up hurting her academically if she didn’t like the new school. Fast forward to 2 weeks go, Katelyn came down with a fever of 102 for 5 days. With Kindergarten testing going on at school we sent her back, not fully 100% so she could be tested + last night we attended the workshop they did to explain the results.
I’m not going to lie, going into the meeting I’d had a rough 24 hours. I’m overwhelmed, feeling like my to do list is outweighing the hours in my day. I’m tired, fighting a cold and was really hoping the workshop would show that all the work we were doing at home was making a difference. I just needed so badly to get those test results and have them say that our baby girl was ready for Kindergarten. After all she’s a June birthday, the cutoff is November 1st, so by age she’s old enough to go. My heart dropped the second I was handed the packet of papers, that clear as day on the front said JK. UGH! J/K! I know it’s February + I know that kindergarten is several months away and that we can have her re-tested, but the ultimate feeling of failure came over me.
To be honest you could’ve screamed all kinds of positive reinforcement about these result in my ears, but nothing would’ve kept those hot tears from trying to creep in as I sat amongst the other parents of children in Katelyn’s class. Parent’s who all go the green light for their kids to go to Kindergarten in the fall.
For me this J/K felt more like a failure to meet the needs of my daughter. I felt like I had let her down. I’m already very aware of how the dynamic in our household has changed in the last 8 months with the launch of a new business and in that moment I believed that this was a reflection of what I wasn’t giving her.
I get that time is a gift and that all kids learn at different stages.
But last night + today, I’m just frustrated.
I’m feeling defeated + I wish I knew what was next.
After the workshop, I’m going to be honest, I barely made it out of the room before the tears began to pour. Even sitting here my heart hurts and I’m still questioning if I could’ve done something to help better prepare her for the test. I still wonder if we re-test her I’m doing it for me or to truly get more accurate results on a day where she’s 100% healthy.
Today I’m just trying to find God in all this.
To hear what He’s saying our daughter needs.
To be willing to give her the gift of time.
To feel confident in allowing her to learn at her own pace.
To put aside my pride + my need to have a child who is ready for Kindergarten today.
I know I need to look at this as God moving to bring His will to light.
I know I need to trust Him to guide us to make the right decision for our daughter.
Today, it’s hard.
Today, I’m sad.
Today, I’m just wishing it was different.
Lori says
It’s ok Alissa! It’s ok to feel all of those things.
BUT then remember that both you and your daughter are “fearfully and wonderfully made”, and that He has every hair on her head numbered, and that this situation is no surprise to Him, and that God is able – HE is going to show you and your husband what to do – what is best for your little girl.
Believe me, I understand. I’ve gone through my own “school dilemmas” with my kids – but you know what, BUT GOD….He has a plan and when we quiet ourselves long enough to really listen…He shows us what that plan is.
Praying for you all…..
Carly says
Oh my friend, you were a teacher. You know that children have their own pace….and that sick kids don’t perform well. Ever.
I’m so sorry, I can only imagine what this feels like.
Email me, if you can tell me which skills were lacking….I can give some advice….my mom was a preschool teacher and I taught a tk for a bit!
Carly
http://www.lipglossandcrayons.com
Carly Skinner says
So sorry to hear you’re feeling this way, but know that it’s okay to be sad some days. As parents we just want our kiddos to do and be their best, and often I think we just pile guilt and grief on ourselves through it all. I know you’re an excellent momma and I know whatever y’all decide to do will be a great choice.
Praying for you and your heart today!
Colletta says
If she wasn’t 100% when she tested, I think you should have her retest. If the scores come back the same, you’ll know what to do from there. God will guide and give you strength and He will ultimately take care of your little one also.
Never forget: You have options 🙂
Colletta
Mel @ The Larson Lingo says
So sorry you are going through this. If it makes you feel better, Claire is a September birthday and we are not sending her to Kinder in the Fall. She isn’t ready either and I am actually okay with it. If I were you, I would have Katelyn get tested again when she is healthy….just to make sure. If it comes back that she is ready, send her. If it comes back that she isnt ready, then hopefully that will give you more peace. June/July/August birthdays are becoming more of “bubble” birthday months now. I don’t know if you remember this, but I am a 7th grade math teacher and I can really tell a difference between the kids who have summer birthdays & waited to start Kinder versus the summer birthday kids who started Kinder when maybe they shouldn’t have. Sometimes it catches up with them in the later grades like middle school. I don’t know if any of this makes you feel better, but know that I am praying for you and we had to make the same decision with Claire and I am totally at peace with not sending her. (HUGS)
Amy Cornwell says
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! They don’t test for K around here so I’m not sure what JK is. Ethan will be 5 on August 1st and that is the cutoff for our area, we’re keeping him in preschool another year. It’s so hard as parents knowing what’s best for them in the long run. Praying for you ton have wisdom and peace. He’ll make it known where you should go from here. I’m so sorry for your hurt. Parenting is tough stuff, we just want the best 🙁
Alyson @EisleyRae says
I’m so sorry, Alyssa. That’s got to be incredibly frustrating. You’re talking about private schools right? I’m assuming so, because having lived in CA all my life I’ve never heard of public schools testing for Kindergarten. Honestly, I think I’d be shopping for a new school. And in the end, holding her back a year doesn’t have to be the worst thing ever. I promise. I know, from experience! I was held back in first grade, because the teacher knew I just “wasn’t ready”. When I look back today (or even in jr high & high school when I looked back) I can’t imagine having been in the class that I was in. I can’t imagine how very different my life would have been, had I not been held back. Being held back rarely happens for the worst, and almost always happens for the best. So just know, that while it might be tough on your & on her NOW… those feelings and fears will surely fade! She’ll find her place and she’s learn & grow whether she starts K this next year, or the following year. Hugs, girl!
Amanda {A Royal Daughter} says
I wasn’t allowed to go to Kindergarten when I was five. Know why? Because I still swished my feet under the table. The teachers thought I wasn’t ready developmentally. Little did they know that 25 years later I’d still be swishing my feet under the table.
You’re her mama. YOU know what’s best. And GOD’s got His hands all over this. 🙂 LOVE you, girl. And praying for wisdom for you!
Laura @ House Of Joyful Noise says
I think you’ve got great advice and support here above. So I just wanted to leave you a hug. I am sure everything will turn out JUST as it should. Whatever happens from here, and for whatever reasons you (and your daughter) are here where you are, it’s God’s plan, and there will be in glory in it. I know that much. ((HUGS!!))
Katy says
I totally understand. Both of my kids could be a year ahead in school than what they r. My oldest is October and we had young 5s so I took advantage of it. My youngest is a July baby and he was socially ready but not academically. He also went to young 5s. I don’t regret a minute of it.
My kids r now in 7 th and 4th grade. As a mom who has walked this path don’t base your feelings on what other parents may think or what you think your child may feel. Base your decisions on what is best for your child. Be secure in your answer and others will follow suit and not question your decision.
I make all decisions based on what is best for my kids academically. I have them tested if needed for additional help in test taking. I stay in contact with teachers and have open communication.
I even work in the district so i know how classes run and decisions r made and what happens.
Yep I’m that parent. Lol
Stay strong. The best thing u can do is put her where she belongs. U will never regret giving her a late start. It’s harder to hold them back or watch them fall thru the cracks if she goes just so she can be with her friends.
Prying for you. A moms heart is so tender in these moments.
Sarah says
It’s so nice to come across a blogger being real! I found you through Living In Yellow and the contest. I was just thinking about how I might not find a blog on the list that I’d actually enjoy reading, then I found yours 🙂
ThistleAshD says
I definitely wouldn’t worry about this. I’ve taught 2nd grade for 6 years and I can usually pin point summer birthdays within the first few weeks. There is a definite difference emotionally/academically. I would always say hold them back a year and then let them go when they are closer to six. It really is better for the kids. Plus (speaking from Texas experience) the expectations with No Child Left Behind testing are so RIDICULOUS that your child needs all the maturity they can get to handle that when the time comes. Don’t worry about it, it’s not your parenting at all. Love her for who she is and give her the time to blossom at her own pace.
aubrey says
IT is easy for me to say this because this is not my first baby going off to school.
She is yours. BUT.
Some of the most AMAZING people were told things that would have probably made their moms feel exactly like you do now. EINSTEINS MOM was told things…so….
Every child learns at their own pace. Some children are more focused on other things. Things that make them brilliant and bright, even if they do not pass some test.
My first baby that went off to kindergarten is now 14.
My last baby is now in Kindergarten at home.
WHY? because I did not feel like she was ready to go off to kindergarten this year. Because I know what happens once they go off to kindergarten. Does that mean she isn’t amazing? Or that I have done something wrong? no. It means that each child is different. It means that they each develop at their own rate regardless of what we have done as parents. Because I can only imagine you have given her the world. SO do not see this silly test as a failure. See it as a blessing.
In the end, it does not matter. Not one little bit.
AND, seeing my kids go through school (which let me tell you has been the toughest part of being a parent as of yet.) I WISH, I had waited. I wish that those little 5 year olds had had more time before they are off busting their little butts for some test. For some school. For some score. In the end, none of it matters as much as it feels like it matters. AND, she is this little bitty thing. Don”t let this get you down. Because, you know what, once that ball is rolling. it’s kind of hard to catch up to! She will be amazing no matter what. Because you love her.
mckenna says
Totally following you now sweet thing!! Happy Vday, love your blog!!
xoxo
http://www.McKennaBleu.blogspot.com
HAnna says
I just want to thank you for being so open and honest! This is such a tough situation! My kids ate still too small to be in this situation but I am so sorry that it’s causing you heart ache. I think being a mother is honestly the hardest job in the world andxthe most rewarding but somehow we blame ourselves for every little thing! I know we just met but I think your a wonderful mother and woman and I know God will guide you through this! You will be in my prayers tonight Alissa. Blessings to you mama!
Heather @ Glitter and Gloss says
Awh! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and feeling this way, friend! Yes, she can always be re-tested, and who knows – JK might be a huge blessing in disguise!
You are an amazing mama and Katelyn is an amazing little girl!
Natalia says
I don’t have anything spectacular to say except I totally understand. It’s easy to put it on yourself, moms feel guilty about so much when in reality, like everyone is saying, all kids are different. She is a beautiful bright little girl and will do fine. It’s hard not to feel like it’s our fault, but I’ve seen you with your kids, you and Kyle are amazing parents. There is no way this is your ‘fault’, just no way. So here’s something my mom tells me when I’m down – don’t let the devil get you down! Because it is him telling you lies. Whatever is true, whatever is noble… think about these things! Think on the truth in your life, you love your kids, you are doing the best you know how for them. This is not a reflection of you or your performance. Starting Pollinate may have changed things, but it also may be showing your daughter the ideas of balance. The fact that mom can love us & pursue something else. It is showing her good work ethic and the value of hard work. All these things are not missed as well!
Hang in there, you’re an amazing mom!
Haleigh says
As has been said before you are her momma and you know her. If you are going with God’s guidance and prayfully considering all that He has, then you will be making the best decision. I am one of four children and all 3 of us girls have a late summer and fall birthdays. I went when I was 4, my sister went when she was 5. The youngest, she was ready. She pushed my parents to send her. she wanted to go to school. E on the other hand is sensitive and was very much a playful spirit. She needed another year to play. We are all “smart”. We have all excelled in academics. There is no formula, no right way. And in the end, the most important thing is that we all Love, Love, Love Jesus.
I’m not a momma, but I have watched my momma agonize over this very decision. God knows Katelyn’s heart and the things she will grow to do. He knows your heart and desire that you have that she would be the best she can be. After the Lord talks to Jeremiah and says “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future” He says “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”
Praying for you Alissa!
BakingSuit says
Am hoping that you’re feeling less sad and more at peace with whatever comes. Sending positive thoughts from the East Coast.