Today I’ve been wondering if you feel I’ve been “absent” from my blog lately.
Not absent in the sense of not blogging frequently, but more an absence of heart on my blog.
Last night I had a much needed conversation with a good friend of mine.
It began with one simple question, “How come you’ve been doing so many guest posts lately? I miss you, I feel disconnected from you.”
It’s funny how those simple words really hit home with me and struck a cord.
It’s been a while since I’ve shared what’s on my heart. Where I’ve opened up and let you peek into a piece of who I am. I think it’s because sometimes I wonder if you ever get sick of reading it.
But through talking to her I realized that a part of me was missing on my blog. The part that invites openness and honesty… a safe haven for us to share with one another and help each other through our struggles.
This goes back to what I’ve always loved about being a part of the blogging world.
I’m going to get a little random for a minute, but bare with me.
I remember the day in high school I tried smoking.
Ugh! Such a disgusting habit and now as I look back I’m not ever sure why I thought I would even be remotely cool doing it.
I was hanging out with a group of my friends and some of the boys were doing it…
so, of course, some of us girls tried it.
Marlboro Light Menthol.
I know, just when you thought I was perfect, right.
I remember in that moment wondering if I looked cool, if they could tell I was faking it, if my mom would know what I had done when I got home. I mean, you’re crazy to think you can cover that smell up.
I came home that day from being “cool” with my friends. My mom never said a thing so I thought I had gotten away with it.
As a result I did it again. and again. and again.
Until I hit a point where I realized that the sickening after taste and the terrible after smell weren’t making me cool and I hated the fact that I was lying to my parents.
As I sit here remembering back to those years I’m reminded of how while some things have changed, some have remained the same.
I still make decisions sometimes that will make me look “cool.”
I still try to cover up my mistakes so no one notices them, points them out or, heaven forbid, confronts me to change them.
I still worry about what others think.
But most of all instead of feeling like I’m lying to my parents I feel like I’m lying to God.
and it’s so gut wrenching.
I can’t for the life of me figure out why I behave that way.
I think it’s because I worry too much about what others will thing of me. After all, I’m human.
But I need to remember that God put the people in our lives that he knows will challenge us to be better, to do better and most of all to be who we are. They love us through our struggles, pray with us, uplift us, encourage us. A physical reminder that we need our Heavenly Father to turn from those things that cause us to feel cool for a moment and then leave us feeling empty and guilty.
He brings us a community.
Do you ever struggle with feeling this way? Have you ever made choices in your life that have left you feeling empty and guilty? How do you overcome that?
Thanks for letting me share my heart with you today.